“So the thing to do when working on a motorcycle, as in any other task, is to cultivate the peace of mind which does not separate one’s self from one’s surroundings.”–Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Being in the moment, with my surroundings, is yet another lesson to cultivate in my world here and now. Pirsig’s statement stood out to me upon my return home for a variety of reasons. Not least of which is the work and cultivation of being with—an exercise from my training. Moving through this Chautauqua, being with appears as a long thread linking together the world of training with the present world in which I now sit.
How do I even begin to explain the exercise of being with? I could say that we spent a late evening standing in small groups before the rest of the community. We stood there and looked at the people in the audience. We were not allowed to fade our gaze off in the distance or mentally escape from the room. It was a meditation that required our full attention to those in the audience. We couldn’t speak, nor move around. I could also say that after we stood there for about 10 minutes—maybe more—we then had a second group walk up to us and stand about an inch away from us and we had to look into each other’s eyes. We stood there for about 10 minutes. We weren’t allowed to look away. We had to keep looking. I could say that some people tried to laugh away their discomfort, other people cried in a swell of emotion. But none of these things speak to the emotions swirling in me—and the room—that night. The room was thick and full of intensity and compassion.
It was an exercise in allowing others in as we really looked at and saw each other. I thought I would have a more difficult time than I did, but I realized that I valued the permission to really look at the people with whom I was building a community. I’m not claiming it was an easy exercise for me. I struggled. I wanted to mentally transport myself out of my skin. A typical response I have to stress and discomfort. Dissociation. It’s way too easy for me. But as I moved through the exercise, I approached it as I approach meditation and I let myself sit with the discomfort. How often do we have the opportunity to be in a safe space that allows us to work through some of our biggest obstacles?
We came back to this exercise on the last day of training when we stood before each person in the training (about 100 people) and looked each person in the eye for about a minute. We stood there for over an hour and half, looking at each other in silence. It was like nothing I have ever experienced and it was amazing.
But the thread that was knotted and sewn into me during those exercises traversed through my flight home to Fargo. It has spanned space and time. In the airport, I found it easier to look people in the eye and not immediately turn away. I was talking with people and not being uneasy looking at them as I spoke. Practicing really looking at people on the way home was exciting. To see it as a practice and not something that was a measure of how much I did or did not get out of the training opened me up in ways I could not have anticipated. Normally, I would pressure myself, judge myself in what I was able to do ‘right’ or what I had ‘failed’ at. That hasn’t even been an issue for me. I see—and feel—it as a practice. Similar to how I see myself on my yoga mat. Each pose is a practice. Some days I can go through Sun Salutations powerfully and openly, other days it feels like I’m doing them in mud. But that is not a reflection on my person. It is a reflection of the moment. It is a reflection of what I need to attune to in my body. So as I looked at my fellow travelers in the airport, I could see some of them stressed out. I could see some enjoying themselves with the people they were with. I could see myriad emotions running through them all and they ceased looking like distant threats circulating in the same physical space, and became human beings with worries and concerns and joys not that different from me. So looking at them was not scary and troubling. It was an exercise in exchanging and sharing a moment. No matter how brief it may have been.
Then when I came home and entered my work life again, I only opened more. In a meeting I had on Monday, I felt myself picking up the tools from the training and utilizing them. I looked at my colleagues when I spoke. I did not worry about how they would perceive me for having my own point of view that may depart from theirs. I allowed myself to speak and listen, openly. I didn’t get attached to my point of view. I had things I wanted to say, but I did not need the reinforcement of my colleagues to feel safe in articulating my perspective. I did not feel threatened or scared, so I did not speak from a place of defensiveness and fear. Rather, I spoke from a place of dialogue and exchange.
Normally after a meeting like that I feel my energy depleted. I’m emotionally taxed and frustrated. I just want to complain about what happened or what I didn’t do or say. I want to go home and stew and hide. Instead, I felt energized and hopeful. I felt excited to work on the items we discussed in the meeting. I then took a lot of that into a meeting on Wednesday, which was more stressful, more political. But I again felt amazingly uplifted after. And it wasn’t because the outcome was better than in the past. It was because I was different. My approach was different. The meeting was still full of problems and stress that will need to be dealt with for quite some time, but I felt like I had been able to say things that I had never been brave enough to say. And I didn’t state my positions in a way I would have in the past. I said them with less judgment and defensiveness. I stayed true to myself, yet open to the dialogue.
The way I felt this week has given me the encouragement to keep at this way of interacting and being with others. I know it will not always be easy, but the outcome is so much healthier for me. It is a practice that is one of the healthiest I have had in quite some time.
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